


catch the wheel that breaks the butterfly

by EternalWhiteRose



Series: oasis [2]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Reincarnation, Sadness, Tragedy, but kaworu does, i love kaworu, i really like this series pls sue me, my poor baby, shinji doesnt remember
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-09 11:06:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11667867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalWhiteRose/pseuds/EternalWhiteRose
Summary: In Tokyo-3, two young men meet each other in a café. One of them believes it to be a simple coincidence, while the other is well aware that fate has given them another chance. And Kaworu isn't afraid of making sure that their romance works this time.





	1. Nagisa Kaworu

**Author's Note:**

> side-story to: i cried the rain the fills the ocean wide

This thesis can fucking die, in Kaworu's opinion.

If this third cup of coffee is any witness to Kaworu's struggle, than that is enough for him to testify in court if he loses his mind and flips this table without warning.

A paper on the Second and Near Third Impact, to anyone else, wouldn't— _shouldn't_ —be that big a deal. A small amount of research, a hefty amount of what all college students called "professional bullshitting" and the paper would basically write itself.

Yeah, well, when you had plenty more knowledge about the Impacts than your textbooks because your  _past life_ was there, it makes a whole heck of a difference because you can't exactly write that an Angel infiltrated NERV and basically tricked everyone.

Because the textbooks don't tell you that. They only tell you what all the witnesses decided to be the appropriate cover-up. Just like with the Second Impact. A cover-up story so that they don't look like complete fucking failures. They don't give gruesome details about how the Angel's head was severed from its body by the EVA in Central Dogma, in front of Lilith. How the Angel befriended and deceived the pilot of UNIT-01; poor, defenseless, confused Ikari Shinji. And then he left that same Ikari Shinji to wallow in his own depression.

That the seventeenth Angel, the mastermind behind the Near Third Impact, was named Nagisa Kaworu.

Another reason for Kaworu to really hate the fact that he knows too fucking much. Because he can't explain in words about how much it stings to be not only knowledgeable about the disgusting itty-bitty facts but to share the name of the creature that almost caused the Third Impact. To share the memories and the body and the personality and everything that wrapped into this burrito named Nagisa Kaworu.

Looking back on his memories, Kaworu rubs his chest with a wince. And it can only be his shitty luck that in this lifetime he's born with a heart condition. It's a miracle he's even alive in his senior year of university; doctors always told him he wouldn't make it to his high school graduation.

But Kaworu was convinced that he would see Shinji again. And maybe it's work of God, no matter how much he hates Kaworu for his past deeds, but he's been kicking through high school and well into university.

But now this fucking paper was kicking his ass. And he isn't happy about it.

His fingers still on the keyboard when another steaming mug of brown heaven is placed near him. His red eyes follow the arm and Kaworu can feel his heart beat sporadically. If this is how he is meant to die, than looking into the dark blue eyes of Ikari Shinji seems like the best way to go. "I'm sorry," Shinji stutters, and  _God_ if Kaworu doesn't shiver at the familiar sound of his voice. "I saw that you've already had a few cups and if you don't want this one I can take it for myself…"

"Do you like coffee?" Kaworu asks, and Shinji shakes his head. The albino smiles and takes the cup, bringing it to his lips. "It's mine. Can't have you drinking something you don't like. Go order yourself something you like, and tell the nice lady to put it on my tab."

"I—I can't do that!" the brunet flushes.

"Please, I insist."

Shinji bites his lip. "Can I leave my bag here?" He gestures to the messenger bag slung over his shoulder. When Kaworu nods, Shinji sets the bag down on the chair across from him, and walks over to the counter, talking happily with the woman on the other side.

Kaworu eyes her, and while Shinji looks away from her, she catches his eye. She looks remorseful, and she glances briefly at the brunet waiting at the counter. Kaworu sighs, looking at his cup of coffee.

Misato remembers, but just from that look alone, Kaworu can assume that Shinji doesn't.

But Kaworu supposes that Shinji not remembering isn't so bad. Third Impact Shinji went through too much. Kaworu doesn't know how that Shinji reacted after his death but it couldn't have been good. He knows Shinji. Shinji is a precious soul, an awkward little boy who deserves so much happiness.

Shinji returns and sets his cup down, moving his bag aside to sit down across from Kaworu. Their eyes meet briefly and Shinji blushes and looks down. Kaworu smiles at the familiar gesture. "My name is Kaworu," he says, smiling brightly. "Nagisa Kaworu."

"Ah, Ikari Shinji," the brunet replies, smiling back. He takes a sip of whatever drink he ordered, and practically melts in his seat. "What are you working on that calls for four cups of coffee? It can't be easy if you're basically killing yourself like this." Shinji flushes some more if possible and waves his hand in front of his face, coming dangerously close to knocking his cup. "Not that you have to share—I—I was just curious, is all! I'm sorry!"

Kaworu smiles wider, and he's pretty sure his face is going to be stuck this way forever if this continues in the direction it's going. "It's fine, don't worry too much about it. It's my senior thesis. It's really kicking me in the butt."

Shinji cocks his head to the side in that adorable way Kaworu remembers him best for, almost imagining the headphones connected to that godforsaken Walkman hanging from his ears. "What's it about?"

Kaworu hesitates. This would be the ultimate test to see if Shinji remembers  _anything_ about their past life together. "The Impacts…specifically the Second and Near Third. I'm stuck on the Near Third Impact."

Shinji's face doesn't change too much. His eyebrows raise slightly and he nods his head in understanding, and then squints, pink tongue sticking out from between his lips in thought. "The Third was…in 2015?" he asks, and Kaworu does his absolute damn best to not let his disappointment show in his face. "At least—I think."

"Yes, 2015." Kaworu hates that Shinji doesn't remember. "Admittedly, it should be easier to get information since it was years after the Second, but…"

It  _was_ easier. Obviously. The Second Impact occurred in 2000, and while technology was plenty advanced to record the events, the most information he has is about the Near Third Impact.  _Obviously._ He was fucking  _there._ But it was a different story retelling a story in a point of view no one else  _knew about…!_

"W-well," Shinij starts with a stutter, his finger gently running across the edge of his cup. "Perhaps…I can help you? I don't know much about the Impacts on my own—but! My father should know something. He's a…scientist, I guess? And his new wife is also one. They might have some information we can use."

Kaworu blinks, his mouth falling open. He has to be careful to not spill his drink all over his keyboard at the offer Shinji just gave him. If— _if—_ Shinji's father also reincarnated and Ikari Gendo remembers  _something_ , it could potentially be problematic. Gendo  _knew_ Impact-Kaworu, and Kaworu knows that he looks  _identical_ to that one. Kaworu bites his lip. This is a very tempting offer, not because he needs this thesis to be finished, but because this way, he's sure to be able to spend some more time with Shinji.

"Sure," he agrees, quickly saving his document for emergencies. He's had one too many instances where he's forgotten to save and all his caffeine-fueled work went right out the window.

Just like his soul.

"But I don't want you to get in any…trouble if your father doesn't allow you to see whatever stuff he has."

Shinji shrugs, hands folded around his cup protectively. "If I do my best to sneak around, I probably won't get caught."

" _Caught?"_ Kaworu asks, almost choking on his drink. "I'm not going to let you… _steal_ some research for a person you just met. Absolutely not. What the fuck, Shinji."

The brunet blushes and sinks down a little in his chair, as if in shame. Kaworu bites his lip and follows it up with a sigh. God, Shinji doesn't even  _remember_ him but Kaworu is so fucking wrapped around his pinky finger already that it's laughable. "Okay,  _okay,_ fine. I don't like this—don't like the idea of you getting punished for taking material from your father or…mother? But I guess I can't stop you. So…" he waves his hands in front of his face in exasperation, and Shinji smiles up at him, back straightening a little. Kaworu leans forward and points his finger. "But! If I hear you saying that you got in trouble, I am  _not_ accepting what you got. Because that's just not how I roll."

Shinji nods, opening his messenger bag and shuffling around without looking. He pulls out a device with headphones wrapped around it—an iPod; clearly an upgrade from the Walkman back in 2015, but Kaworu bites back a smile because Shinji with his love of music really hasn't changed. The young man then pulls out his phone, clearly pushing back some papers to the bottom of the bag that came up with his rustling. "Do—do you mind?" he asks, and unlocks his phone. He's too quick for Kaworu to see the code; not that he wants to be a stalker, but anything to give him a little closure that maybe the memories are just repressed. "It'll be an easy way to keep in contact so I can give you that research."

Kaworu takes the phone and punches his number in along with his name and a cute emoji. He glances at the picture option and taps it, standing from his seat and taking a step toward Shinji, bending at the waist to be at face level. "Selfie for your contact photo?" he asks, and Shinji looks into the camera with a wide, deer-like look. Kaworu smiles gently and snaps the photo, saving it immediately even when Shinji protests. "Nope! You're sending that to me, by the way. Matching pictures are cute."

Kaworu isn't sure if Shinji will first pass out or spontaneously combust with how much blood is in his cheeks, but he doesn't want to find out as he hands the phone back to him. Shinji glares at Kaworu for a second, but it seems as though he can't keep himself from smiling and Kaworu, well.

Kaworu feels as though his heart is going to stop with how hard it's beating because Shinji is the fucking sun and he doesn't mind dying if it's like this.

* * *

Shinji texts him after they part ways and Kaworu has to do his best to not drop his phone at the bus stop because this has been his  _dream_ for as long as he's been born with these memories and now his dream is texting him and—

Okay, maybe calming down is a good idea because he was just very close to falling in front of the bus and he's getting looks from this old woman standing next to him. Like, what's her problem, he's just a boy in love?

Shinji's text is simple—a confused face and a ' _A heart? Really?'_ and Kaworu has to laugh because it's no surprise that Shinji uses completely perfect grammar even when he sends texts. Kaworu bounces on the heels of his feet as he replies, a giddy smile pulling on his lips because he's  _so_ in  _love_ that it's  _ridiculous._ Shinji will probably never be able to comprehend just how in love this poor boy is with him, even if they start a relationship. They may even get  _married_ and Shinji would have no idea!

Wow, what kind of paradise would Kaworu be in if they ever got  _married._

Kaworu fires back with an equally flirty text and a winky face, and Shinji laughs—literally spells out ' _hahaha_ '—before asking him about another day for them to get together. He follows it up with not knowing if he'll have the research materials by then, but still, would like to meet with Kaworu to get somewhat of an understanding about the Impacts from what the albino has already found.

Kaworu, in his already weakened state of mind, immediately thinks of it as a date. And he responds as such, to which Shinji only replies with a blushing emoji.

* * *

If Shinji is as smitten as Kaworu is, he doesn't show it when they meet again in a university lounge, hidden away in a corner, far from any prying eyes. This meeting is full of fleeting touches, bashful glances, and short compliments. They've texted on and off since the first day, and progressively the messages have become more flirty and more romantic. Kaworu is not afraid of teasing Shinji just to see his flustered face. His flustered face is a very nice face to look out. Actually, his face in general is super nice to look at.

Kaworu really likes Shinji's face, okay?

Shinji was unable to get his father's research, but Kaworu doesn't mind because he still has the rest of his year to write his thesis. Kaworu thought that Shinji would cancel their plans, but the brunet continues to surprise him by going as far as to remind Kaworu to meet up with him.

And he still manages to surprise him by telling Kaworu that he actually goes to this university, and studies music theory. He plays the cello, and doesn't consider himself any good but Kaworu always tells him otherwise even if he hasn't heard Shinji play. He remembers how self detrimental Shinji was in 2015—and he's not about to let this happen again.

And his favorite music is classical, which is what brought him to playing the cello in the first place. While Kaworu gently takes Shinji's calloused hands into his own, Shinji tells him that he had to beg his father—which he admits his name to being Gendo, and Kaworu bites the inside of his mouth to stop himself from saying anything about how much of an asshole 2015-Ikari Gendo was—to buy him the instrument. That was back when his birth mother Yui was still alive, so she always eased the blow. She was the reason he continued his cello lessons even after her death.

Their fingers are interlocked when Shinji says that Gendo remarried a woman named Akagi Ritsuko, who Kaworu recognizes as being one of the computer science professors at the university. She didn't teach any classes he was taking this semester, but he's seen her around the halls and she's a very young woman, but Kaworu doesn't ask Shinji how old his father is. Shinji admits that Gendo took a very long time to remarry, because he was so caught up in Yui's early death, and Shinji believes that there's a possibility all Gendo feels for Ritsuko is lust.

Kaworu isn't very surprised to hear that. He instead squeezes Shinji's fingers gently. "You don't have to keep talking if you don't want to. I'm not forcing you," he whispers, and Shinji pulls his midnight blue eyes from their hands to Kaworu's face. Kaworu smiles, and Shinji returns it.

"Thank you. How about you tell me about yourself?"

Kaworu visibly stiffens. There's so much he can say, but he has to be careful and make sure to keep it in this lifetime. "I was raised one of—you'll never believe me, but it's true—seventeen children, the youngest. I come from a very religious family, you see, and my parents believed that they needed to have a lot of children to appease God, or something like that." Kaworu chuckles. "I was their last one, though. Mother became sterile after me."

"God decided that seventeen was enough," Shinji whispers.

"Apparently. And so I grew up under the umbrella of sixteen brothers and sisters, constantly protected and cared for, but of course, the youngest is usually unlucky for I'm not of the best health. My heart is weak—has been since I was a child. No cure or treatment. I'm basically waiting to die."

Shinji looks at him with wide eyes, completely in shock. "Don't worry," Kaworu assures him. "I was apparently supposed to die before I graduated high school, but I'm here, senior year of uni, still kicking as hard as I can."

Shinji stays silent, his thumb gently caressing the top of Kaworu's hand. There's something behind these subtle touches that Kaworu loves, for obvious reasons. "I stayed alive because I felt like I was born to do  _something_ , and I think I finally figured it out."

Shinji keeps his eyes on Kaworu's red ones.

"I feel as though I have been born to meet  _you_."

Shinji's eyes don't flicker in recognition.

He doesn't remember.

But Kaworu is learning to live with that.

* * *

When Shinji gets his paws on Gendo's research, he texts Kaworu to meet him at a different café that's still close by because Gendo knows that Shinji frequents the one Misato works at. His messages are urgent and with poor grammar, so Kaworu throws on his shittiest pair of shoes and some sweater that's at the bottom of his closet and runs out of his dorm, ignoring the pain in his chest.

When he steps into the café Shinji is sitting in, he briefly locks eyes with a fiery redhead sitting at a nearby table, whose gaze turns into a glare as she visibly huffs and turns away. Fine, Kaworu thinks as he turns to find Shinji sitting at a corner table on the cushions. He doesn't need to talk to Asuka either if she remembers. The two of them weren't very friendly in 2015 either.

Kaworu slides into the seat next to Shinji, taking notice of the thick binder in the brunet's lap, hidden from view from any of the other customers. There's a bruise on his left cheek, almost completely obscured by his hood, and Kaworu brushes a finger against it. "Don't tell me your father did this," Kaworu says harshly, ready to refuse the notes.

Shinji nods. "He managed to walk in at the last moment, right as I was getting out the door."

" _Shinji,"_ Kaworu reprimands, and the brunet turns to face him.

"I'm  _sorry,_ okay? A final thesis is really important and I know that you need this stuff to finish it and I really want to help you because I—I feel  _something_ for you, something I've never felt before and it scares me, but—"

Kaworu silences him with a soft kiss, a gentle hand on his non-injured cheek turning it toward him.  _This_ he has been dreaming for for years upon years, even during the lifetimes when Shinji wasn't by his side, and Shinji's lips are as wonderful as he believed they would be. Soft, but a little rough at certain points, and inexperienced.  _Perfect._ "You do know this means I can't accept these notes," he teases, and Shinji frowns. "Shinji, I  _told_ you that I wouldn't accept them if your father caught you."

"But…"

And then Shinji looks up at him with sad eyes, and Kaworu feels all of his resolve crumble. "Alright, okay,  _fine_ , I'll take them." He snatches the binder away from Shinji, leaning back into his seat as he flips through it angrily. "But I'm not happy about it. You're lucky you're cute."

Shinji, to literally no one's surprise but to Kaworu's absolute delight, flushes a bright red, pulling on the strings of his hoodie. The albino nudges Shinji with his shoulder, and the brunet lifts his head to meet Kaworu in another kiss. "I'm still mad at you," Kaworu whispers, and Shinji smiles bashfully. "But I guess I can look over it for now." He sits up straight again and slowly goes through the binder, surprised at the amount of notes there were.

Sketches of all the Angels, with their attack patterns written out below and the damages, extra little notes about their behavior in the margins. Shinji watches in silence as Kaworu flips through, until he gets to the Sixteenth. He pauses, knowing that the Seventeenth is that dreaded Tabris, the Nagisa Kaworu that wrecked havoc in 2015. He carefully turns the page, and when he sees a pretty detailed sketch of the school uniform he wore to blend in with the Lilin, he slams the binder closed, startling the boy next to him. "This is plenty of information," he says coldly. "I'm thankful for your help, Shinji."

"Kaworu?" Shinji asks carefully, lifting his head when Kaworu sits up straight. The albino ignores the sudden spark of pain in his chest.

He instead smiles back at Shinji. "I'm fine, Shinji. Really, this is more than enough and I am ever grateful."

The brunet thinks about it for a hot second, before leaning on his elbow. "Can you tell me more about your siblings?"

Kaworu looks at him in surprise. "Well, they all have Japanese names like I do, but we tend to call each other by our middle names. Let's see…the family beauty is Ramiel; she's poised like no other and the most organized of us all. Everything she does is to a fault."

"Tell me about the oldest?"

"Sachiel is a big guy. He likes to wrestle. Mother hoped that her children from then on would be just like him because he was the ultimate role model, but we all ended up different."

"Which one are you?"

Kaworu chuckles, and Shinji gets a little closer, resting his head on Kaworu's shoulder. "I'm…the brains, I suppose. Father always praised me for my intelligence and I strived to make him proud. I am also his carbon copy. We look so similar you would think that we were twins." He runs his fingers against the cover of the binder, knowing all too well that Adam and Lilith and all the other Angels were written and drawn in this pile of notes.

He opens it towards the end, eyes widening when he sees an accurate sketch of 2015-Ikari Shinji, dressed in his EVA suit. Shinji looks at it, tilting his head to the side. "That's…me?" he whispers, and then turns his attention to Kaworu. "Why am I in this? Why am I…a Pilot?"

Kaworu takes in a deep breath and stands. His chest aches. "Because in 2015, Ikari Shinji fought against the Angels. In 2015, Ikari Shinji prevented the Third Impact from occuring." He flips to his own sketch, where the title "SEVENTEENTH ANGEL: TABRIS (NAGISA KAWORU)" is at the top of the page in dark letters. "In 2015, Ikari Shinji killed me, the Seventeenth Angel, the one behind the Near Third Impact." He hates that their relationship has just started and he's having to tell Shinji all of this. "In 2015, we fell in love and I have been waiting for the day we meet again."

Shinji is looking at him with wide eyes, and Kaworu closes the binder sadly. "I'm sorry, Shinji. I'm so, terribly sorry."

He leaves Shinji in the café, tears running down his cheeks. It has started to rain since he first arrived, and the cold mixed with the warm of his tears isn't very comforting.

* * *

But Ikari Shinji is always a fucking surprising human being, because the next day he  _calls_  Kaworu, and asks if they can meet so Kaworu can tell him all about what happened in 2015. And in his dorm, Kaworu breaks down into tears, because Shinji is a fucking ray of sunshine and Kaworu can't deal with it.

Kaworu responds with a question, asking if Shinji is sure because he didn't expect to talk to him again, but Shinji is pure and Shinji  _likes_ Kaworu— _liked_ Kaworu before this whole mess began and will continue to like Kaworu until time ceases to exist. Kaworu cries some more, because he knows he doesn't  _deserve_ Shinji now, but he can't say no because that is how whipped he is.

So Kaworu invites Shinji to his crappy dorm, making sure to be stocked with junk food and drinks so that he doesn't seem like a shit host, and the two of them sit down together, face-to-face on his floor, because the bed is much too intimate a place.

"I want to understand," Shinji says, eyes hard. "I want to understand this situation, but I want to make sure that you're okay with it. That you know I'll never be mad at you. I could never hate you."

Kaworu doesn't look up from his hands that are folded in his lap. "I have been reincarnated many times. You may have been as well, I'll never know. This is the first time I've met you from what I know with my memories, but  _you…_ you don't remember. And that's fine! I've come to terms with it. It stings, but life isn't perfect and I have accepted that."

"So we knew each other during the Near Third Impact?" Shinji asks, and reaches to take Kaworu's hand. The albino flinches a bit, but allows his fingers to relax against Shinji's. "You said yesterday…that we fell in love? In 2015?"

Kaworu takes in a deep breath. "I did. It is unclear if you had any romantic feelings for me. I…died before anything could develop." Shinji looks like he's about to apologize, so Kaworu quickly continues. "Listen, before you say anything, you had no other choice  _but_ to kill me. If you hadn't, I, with the help of Lilith, would have caused the Third Impact and killed  _everyone._ I begged you to kill me, Shinji. And you answered my plea. I was never upset that you had done that."

"I killed you."

"You were given no other choice. It was either kill me, or be killed. You made the right decision." Kaworu takes Shinji by the shoulders, so they can look each other in the eye. "Do not beat yourself up over something that happened hundreds of years ago."

"I…killed you," Shinji repeats yet again, hands moving to rest against Kaworu's. "How…did I kill you?"

Kaworu sighs. "You decapitated me. Held me in the fist of EVA UNIT-01, squeezed, and pop."

Shinji chokes on a sob, curling in on himself. Kaworu rubs his back, and Shinji manages a soft, "Where is your bathroom?" before slapping a hand over his mouth. Kaworu directs him to the small bathroom by the entrance of his room and Shinji stumbles to his feet and runs in, barely managing to close the door before he's violently retching into the toilet. Kaworu remains on the floor, staring at the ground in shame. It was  _Shinji_  that asked, he reasons with himself, and he will never,  _ever_ withhold information that the brunet wants.

Shinji reenters the room, dazedly sitting on Kaworu's bed, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. "I'm sorry," he says.

"Don't be." Kaworu turns his head to smile sadly at Shinji. "At least you're not living with the pain."

Shinji bites his lip and then wipes it. "Can we talk…about what you know from those notes?" He nods his head toward the binder on Kaworu's desk. "I'm not asking for anything… _specific,_ because I doubt you know everything but—it would be nice to know a few things."

The albino stands and grabs the binder, plopping down on the bed and smiling when Shinji gently throws his legs on top of Kaworu's lap, snuggling up to his side. Kaworu opens the binder and points at the very first laminated page—what seems like an essay written in sloppy handwriting, signed by the commander himself. "This was written by the commander and chief of NERV, your father, Ikari Gendo."

* * *

Shinji stays the night in Kaworu's dorm, in Kaworu's arms, in Kaworu's bed. The binder is left open on Arael's page, two Angels before Tabris. Shinji lightly snores away, completely wrapped in Kaworu's embrace, but the albino is wide awake, rubbing his chest as another wave of pain hit him. He looks down at Shinji and presses his lips to the boy's hair, taking in a deep breath and resting his head back against the pillow.

He and Shinji don't exactly know what's going to happen next. But Nagisa Kaworu does know that he doesn't have much time left to figure it out.

* * *

A few weeks later, just when Kaworu is almost done with his thesis, he admits himself to the hospital because those pains from before are becoming more frequent and they're only getting worse. He is determined to finish his paper, so even when the doctors hook him up to monitors and machines, he's on his laptop, writing away with that binder at his hip. And doctors try to tell him to stop, but he doesn't, because Shinji went out of his way—got punched in the face by his father, and probably suffered more punishments afterwards—to get these notes so by God he's going to finish this final paper.

Shinji visits him every so often after he finds out that Kaworu is stuck in bed, gently running his fingers against the albino's skin. He speaks quietly to him, as though the world would fall apart if his voice should get too loud. Kaworu is in a single room, so there's no harm in talking as loud as they want, but there's something…more intimate when Shinji lowers his voice and smiles when he speaks and looks into Kaworu's eyes. Like they're the only two people in the world and the machines never existed.

When Shinji isn't around, and Kaworu has wracked his brain over a few more pages of his paper, he simply just flips through the laminated pages of Hell, reliving his past life bit by bit. His body is growing weaker, his family isn't visiting despite his many calls, and the doctors don't need to tell him that his time is running out because he can  _feel_ it. It's nothing comforting, but it's finalizing.

Yes, he admits when he finally finishes the thesis one day and sends it to his professor. He was born for a reason, to meet Ikari Shinji, and his purpose has been met.

Shortly after sending his paper, Nagisa Kaworu passes away peacefully, with nothing in the world but Ikari Shinji on his mind, and his page open in the binder.


	2. Ikari Shinji

Shinji has been watching that white haired young man for a while now, from the first cup of coffee to the third, and he's curious. Why is this person struggling so much over his computer? Shinji bites his lip as he watches the man finish that third cup, but stands from his table anyway, pulling his wallet out. "Um," he says when he makes it to the counter, catching the attention of the purple haired woman—Misato, as it says on her nametag, he should really remember after coming so many times—working today. "Whatever… _that_ person has been ordering since he walked in, I would like another." And he points to the albino discreetly to direct Misato's attention to him.

"A fourth one?" she asks, but starts getting the drink ready. "That boy is going to kill himself with these. Caffeine is not the healthiest thing in the world, I hope he knows."

"I think he does." Shinji smiles.

Misato finishes the drink and slides the cup over to the brunet. "Here, I'll put it on his tab since I don't really want you paying for it, young man."

"Thank you!" The brunet puts his wallet away into his messenger bag and bows, taking the cup and walking to the table where the white haired man was sitting. He sets the cup down gently, but it's enough to startle the customer. "I'm sorry," he apologizes, and when the stranger looks up, his red eyes twinkle a little. Shinji doesn't think anything of it.

* * *

His name is Nagisa Kaworu, and he goes to the same university as Shinji (but doesn't know it yet), and is writing his final thesis. Shinji agreed to get Kaworu his father's notes, and though it may be a difficulty, he's determined to get into that study and grab them as soon as he gets the chance to do so.

He has Kaworu's number in case of any emergencies, but he mostly wants it because there's something… _about_ Kaworu that sends his head reeling. There is some sort of connection between them that Shinji just can't place, but he knows it's there and he isn't sure if he hates it or not.

And so he's the one who texts Kaworu and asks if they can meet in a lounge in their shared university, with no double meaning, but the other man thinks of it as a date and Shinji can't bring himself to say no. As he stands at the train station to get back to his house, he feels his face burn like a freshly lit flame. He flirts back, because while he may be awkward he definitely knows how to flirt (maybe?) and  _wants_ to flirt back with Kaworu.

(And, no, he still can't get over the fact that Kaworu put his name in Shinji's phone with a heart emoji or that he took a cute selfie with him and even though Shinji looked absolutely  _horrible_ , Kaworu said that he looked cute so now he can't bring himself to delete it.)

Ritsuko eyes him when he returns home, her hands filled with a wet plate and towel. "You seem in a relatively good mood," she comments, and Shinji freezes at the door, midway through taking his shoe off.

"O-oh, really?" he asks, feeling his cheek catch fire. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Want to talk about it?"

Shinji bites his lip, fingers tightly wrapping around the strap of his bag. "No, no, thank you. It's…just been a good day."

He knows Ritsuko doesn't buy it, but that's because Ritsuko is too smart to not see past his lies.

"Shinji," his father croons from the couch. "Your mother is asking what got you so happy, is that a crime?"

Shinji straightens his back, and with the albino on his mind, and the glower he must have thought he hid cleverly when Shinji even mentioned Gendo, Shinji replies, "My mother was  _Yui."_ And then runs upstairs before Gendo can even think to start yelling at how rude his son is being. Shinji can hear the first syllable of his name being called right as he slams the door closed, and then everything goes silent.

Gendo and Shinji, for some reason or another, have never really had a healthy father-son relationship. Before Yui's death, Gendo wasn't  _as_ distant, but he still kept away from his only son, and that only worsened after she died. Now, their only conversations are screaming matches that are typically one-sided because Shinji is afraid of talking back, never knowing if Gendo will go as far as strike him with the palm of his hand.

It's never happened yet, thank  _God_ , but Shinji knows his father isn't a man who's afraid of hurting his child as punishment, so he'd rather not risk it.

He throws his messenger bag on the floor next to his bed and then flops on the mattress face-first. He sighs into the pillow and pulls out his phone from the front pocket of his khakis, opening the text conversation he had with Kaworu.

For this boy, who he didn't even know until earlier, he will do anything to get those notes from his father.

* * *

Shinji is sitting at a corner table, tucked away in a lounge at the university when Kaworu walks in. He's so hidden that he has to wave and then stand for Kaworu to notice him, but the albino's face lights up so much that Shinji thinks he's gone blind a bit, but refuses to show it. He sits back down as Kaworu approaches, a duffel bag thrown over his shoulder that is most likely carrying all his books. "Sorry I'm late, Shinji," he greets, sitting down.

"You're not, it's fine. We didn't establish a concrete time anyway, and I just got out of my music history class."

Kaworu raises a pale eyebrow. "Music history?"

"Yes! I'm a music theory major here in this university!"

"You study here?" Kaworu points at the table for emphasis. "No way! I'm a history major, which is why my final thesis is about the Impacts."

Shinji snaps his fingers. "Oh, I couldn't get my father's notes, I'm sorry. There wasn't an opportune moment, and—"

Kaworu shakes his head. "It's fine Shinji, I have until around the end of the year. There's no rush. For now, however," the glint in his eye returns briefly. "I would like to know about this music theory major sitting in front of me. Do you play?"

Shinji flushes. "Yes, I play cello; have been since I was young. My mother bought it for me after years of asking. My…father wasn't too keen on me playing since he didn't like the fact that it would make noise."

"Asshole."

The brunet shrugs. Kaworu's hand finds his atop the table and their fingers link together, and Shinji can't find any urge inside of him to snatch his hand back. Kaworu's hand on his, fingers with his, in general with him is oddly comforting. "So I started playing cello. My mom used to buy me books with songs in it and everything, she  _loved_ it when I played. I don't think I'm any good, but…"

"Oh, nonsense," Kaworu chastises. "I'm sure you play wonderfully. I play piano, myself, perhaps maybe one day we could duet?"

Shinji gasps. A duet is a big deal, involves an incredible amount of practice, and almost perfect joint synchronization, and trust between the two players. Shinji isn't  _near_ the level to be playing a duet with  _anyone_ , but if Kaworu insists, then he supposes he can give it a try. He nods shyly at the albino. Kaworu smiles. "Great, what genres can you play?"

"I tend to stick to classical," Shinji says, his tanned thumb absentmindedly playing with Kaworu's pale one. "It's my favorite; the sudden changes in tone make it so unique and interesting, although I like to play more…somber, I guess, songs. They sound like they're made for the cello, given its deep sound."

"Yes, the piano can really achieve a lot of different tones, but I've always been attracted to…energetic classical songs. They're not my favorite to play, and I do prefer acoustic renditions of pop or rock songs, but they're still fun." Kaworu shrugs. "Then again, with practice, I can probably play any song that I would like."

Shinji smiles. "I liked to play songs that my mom liked. I  _still_ like to, it's just that…well, no one really  _likes_ to hear those songs anymore. Father doesn't like it when I play or he's just never home and Ritsuko doesn't really  _care_. She's more focused on work than my cello playing. I guess that's okay, though. It's not like I  _want_ to play for anyone else."

"Not even me?"

Shinji flushes. "You're a different story, Kaworu, and you know that. One day, if you would like to sit for me while I play, you can. It would just have to be when no one is home so we don't bother Ritsuko or Father." The brunet gasps. "Ah, Ritsuko is the woman my father married after Mom died. She's actually a computer science professor here in this university."

"Akagi Ristuko?" Kaworu asks, and Shinji nods his head. "Ah, so that's where I've heard the name. I myself don't have computer science this semester, but I've heard her name float the halls. Quite the ice queen, isn't she? How did your father manage to woo her into a marriage, then?"

"I don't think there's any romance in their relationship," Shinji confesses. "I think it's just lust and they're only together for the benefits and for the fact that marriage is a title. Like, 'Hey, I'm married to this scientist and get all this money' or whatever. It's okay, I don't really mind her as much." He chuckles a bit. "It is a little weird having a college professor as a parent though. She's always making sure I'm picking the right classes for my major—even though she has no idea what music theory is about."

Kaworu nods. "Did he love your birth mother?"

"Oh, yes, very much," Shinji sighs. "Mom—she was an angel, you know? They rarely argued and she would always give me what I want even if Father didn't approve because she knew deep down he understood that a child has needs. She died when I was…three? I think? And Father took fifteen years to start looking for another woman and two more after that to marry. He was so  _in love_ with her that I was almost a little jealous."

Kaworu smiles behind the palm of his hand, and Shinji thought of that as confirmation to continue. "It's usually not easy to talk about Mom. She was the reason that I got what I got and was raised how I was. I don't think I can ever thank her enough for everything she's done for me." His voice catches, and Kaworu squeezes his fingers gently.

"You don't have to keep talking if you don't want to. I'm not forcing you," he says softly, and Shinji feels his insides melt.

He's not jealous of Yui and Gendo's relationship anymore, because he has someone he loves dearly right in front of him.

* * *

Because he's decided that he loves Kaworu a lot and really wants to be as important to him as he feels he should be, Shinji sneaks into Gendo's study when the man is out of the house. Ritsuko is off probably on the university campus being a professor and Shinji isn't sure when either of them will be home, so he has to make this as quick as possible. He already knows he's going to get an earful from Ritsuko because he's skipping his morning class, but he couldn't care less; Kaworu with his sick heart is far more important.

He walks over to the desk and opens the top drawer, grimacing at the mess of papers. He isn't sure exactly what his father's notes are supposed to look like, whether they're organized or not, but already this is off to a bad start and Shinji doesn't want to deal with this mess.

After every drawer, Shinji stops to listen for any noise in the house, any indication that his parents are back and that he only has a handful of seconds to hightail it out of Gendo's study. He makes sure to put every piece of paper back in the drawer he found it, every book back in its place on the shelves, and every pen—

And then there's a binder, completely black, not even a paper insert like Gendo normally kept his binders to keep them named, staring Shinji in the face. He opens it carefully and gasps at the first page which is just filled from top to bottom in Gendo's handwriting. Briefly, Shinji catches the number 2015, the year of the Near Third Impact. A few more flips confirms his suspicions and he finally has the notes he was looking for, so he puts everything else back in its place before standing, binder tucked under his arm.

He makes way for the door but it opens before he can even get his fingers around the knob, and he backs up slightly as Gendo looms over him, cold eyes looking down at him in disappointment. "What are you doing, Shinji?" he asks, and his voice is calm, so Shinji knows he's in trouble because Gendo only ever yells when he's angry.

"I—uh, wanted to borrow some of your notes?" he says, holding up the binder for emphasis. Gendo's eyes narrow some more, and Shinji gulps. "It's, for, an, uh, project! That I have to do in music history…it's about the music of the 2000s. I thought, since I knew you had notes on those eras, that I could use them! To help…"

"Give me the binder." Gendo's voice is final, but Shinji tightens his hold on it.

"No, Father. I  _need_ this."

Gendo's hand curls into a fist at his side. "Shinji. I believe I gave you an order."

Shinji, like father, like son, narrows his eyes as well. "I'm not your butler, I'm your  _son._ And, I'm an adult. You can't boss me around like that."

"I am your  _father."_

"You haven't been a father to me since Mom died."

Gendo takes in a deep breath, and Shinji takes another step back, looking past his father at the door to assess how much time he had to get the hell out of here.

During his assessment, however, he didn't expect Gendo to raise that clenched fist and swing at Shinji's face, knocking him back a few steps. "No son of mine will be talking back like that."

Shinji grounds his teeth and tucks the binder back under his arm like a football, and then just—bolts, runs as fast as he can and slithers past his father, down the stairs and to the front door. He messily slides his shoes on and doesn't close the door behind him, running into the cloudy weather, thankful that he at least put on a sweater this morning because the cool air wasn't the most pleasant.

He ignores his father's yells, running to a different café in a different part of town. He somehow manages to lose Gendo, and when his run slows to a speedy walk, he takes out his phone to text Kaworu the location of their new designated spot, and continues on without waiting for a response.

He is determined that until Kaworu gets this binder, Shinji will not return home.

* * *

Kaworu is clearly unhappy, but the disappointment doesn't last for long because it's in this café that the two share their first kiss, and Shinji finally understand what it really feels like to just be head over heels in love with someone by choice. There are no other words to describe this kiss besides perfection.

And then Kaworu, against his will, because Shinji knows now that Kaworu is extremely weak to him and just the thought of that makes him giddy, takes Gendo's notes because Shinji worked so hard to get them, even got hit, so it would be a crime to not take them. He looks through it a bit, mainly on sketches of creatures named Angels, but then suddenly stops and Shinji is worried because Kaworu has never had a look like that on his face. It was as if his whole world had frozen and Kaworu couldn't see anymore.

But it passes, and Kaworu tells Shinji about his life and family, and Shinji listens because Kaworu is an amazing human being, almost like an angel, so hearing about the family he came from—seventeen children!—is a very interesting thing.

And suddenly, like a tidal wave of emotions, Shinji is learning that he was an EVA Pilot in 2015, loved, was betrayed by, and killed Kaworu, and was reincarnated, with Kaworu but Shinji doesn't remember. And Kaworu runs off.

His life flips drastically.

* * *

It's at that moment that Shinji realizes Kaworu is like a fragile butterfly, with wings already torn but not completely broken, locked in this never ending spiral of life that causes him to be reborn with memories of a life Shinji doesn't know details about. But Shinji is a naturally curious human being so he stays up almost all night and thinks about it.

He was an EVA Pilot in a past life. Shinji doesn't really understand what that means, but it must be important because it sounds like a job, and, hell, it is, but it's so amazing that Shinji can't wrap his head around it. He was the Pilot of giant robots, and he fought against the Angels, all seventeen of them.

He loved Kaworu, or, he loved the Kaworu of that time because he knows he loves Kaworu now, but he's going to consider them two different people instead of one, just like he's going to think of 2015-Shinji as a different entity to himself. And Kaworu loved him too, but what happened? Were they together romantically? Did they ever kiss or go farther?

2015-Shinji was betrayed by 2015-Kaworu, and this is where it begins to sting. Shinji can't imagine what it must have felt like to have the person you love go behind your back, but then again, Shinji doesn't the details. He just knows it must have been a big deal if their life together ended with 2015-Shinji killing the Seventeenth Angel.

When Shinji realizes that he's been overthinking it's already morning, and he's thankful this is the day that his classes are canceled, because he's exhausted and there's nothing more that he wants now than to understand everything. Understand exactly how his beloved friend is feeling and try to understand exactly what took place in 2015.

* * *

So he calls Kaworu instead of texts him, because with a call he's more sure that the albino will answer him. And Kaworu does answer after the third ring, with a very tentative " _Hello?"_

"Kaworu?" Shinji asks, and scratches the back of his neck, a nervous habit. "I'm sorry for calling so early…I couldn't sleep last night."

" _Yeah, me neither,"_ he replies, and Shinji breathes a sigh of relief.  _"I was too busy thinking about how bad I fucked up."_

"You didn't fuck anything up, Kaworu," Shinji reasons, and the man on the other line takes in an audible deep breath, and it hitches a bit. He's crying.

" _I did though. I didn't tell you sooner, or even worse, I decided to pursue this friendship and now I've ruined everything."_

"Except you  _didn't._ I was wondering if we could meet up today. I was up all night thinking about everything you told me…and then realized that I don't know much but would like to."

" _Shinji, I don't think that's—"_

"Kaworu, listen, I like you." Shinji pauses, and Kaworu hiccups a bit. "I liked you before this whole mess with the reincarnation started and I will continue to like you. There's nothing stopping me from liking you as much as I do. Even if you told me that I cheated on you a thousand times back then, I wouldn't change my mind now. I really like you, Kaworu, and I want to see where this relationship will take us."

Kaworu takes some time to respond after that.  _"Is my dorm okay? I don't feel comfortable going out somewhere public to talk about this."_

"Of course!" Shinji can feel the relief seep into his bones, because,  _yes,_ Kaworu agreed and he actually wants to explain things to Shinji. "Of course, whatever makes you feel more at ease. I actually didn't want to go out either because I'm terrified of how I'll react to all the information. But if it's you teaching me, I think it'll…go better? Because I know you'll be gentle."

" _Is around one alright? I—I have to clean my dorm and—oh, no, I don't think I have any food for you. I'm sorry, I'm such a mess, this isn't how I wanted everything to work out, Shinji, I'm so terribly sorry—"_

"Kaworu, it's  _alright_." Shinji listens to the other man breathe and try to calm himself down. "We'll get through this together, don't panic, it's not good for you. I'll see you at one?"

" _Yeah, yeah, you will. Thank you, Shinji."_

* * *

The worst thing that happens to Shinji when he's in Kaworu's dorm is he throws up, but that's because just the mere  _idea_ his past self decapitating Kaworu in the EVA's fist is just—it sends chills down Shinji's spine every time he thinks about it. But they don't bring it up anymore, instead the sit side by side on Kaworu's bed, binder opened up from the very beginning, on that page filled with hand-written scribbles. "This was written by the commander and chief of NERV, your father, Ikari Gendo."

"My father was in charge of NERV?"

"Yes…NERV was the organization created to fight against the Angels; and its headquarters was the place we were told to attack. You see, your father kept the mother of the Lilin, or the humans, Lilith captive. I'm sure they thought she was Adam, but, I was the only Angel to make it down there to realize it wasn't."

"Adam?" Shinji asks, and Kaworu flips through the pages a bit before he leaves it open on a page labeled with the creature's name. There was a picture of some sort of slate with a long list of notes. " _That's Adam?"_

"Whatever your father and SEELE managed to get of him. He was the one that created us seventeen Angels. At least, the seventeen that attacked NERV, because I'm not sure if he sent more after me."

"Is your current father also Adam?"

Kaworu nods. "Yes, so therefore my middle name is appropriately Tabris. We are reborn every so often to Adam and Lilith."

"I thought it would have been Adam and Eve," Shinji says, hand coming up to his chin in thought. "I don't want to start a religious conversation with you, and with you being an Angel before, I'm sure you know better than I do, but—that's what I was taught, and—I just thought that would be the case."

Kaworu chuckles, and Shinji gently places his hand over Kaworu's on the covers, and Kaworu doesn't take his hand away or even flinch. He simply blows air up to his bangs, ruffling them. "I don't know any Eve personally right now. There may be one, there may not be, I'm not sure. Lilith is my mother, and Adam is my father. That's about all I know."

Shinji nods in understanding. "You said you are a carbon copy of your father before?"

"In those times, I was created directly from Adam; it was as if I was part of him." Kaworu clicks his tongue. "I was able to do a lot more than the other sixteen. I infiltrated NERV, got to Central Dogma using a perfectly synchronized EVA UNIT-02, and was this close to causing the Third Impact." He looks over at Shinji while pinching his thumb and forefinger together. "And then you fell into my life, and I, already enamored with the Lilin, fell more in love with you than I had with anyone."

Shinji blushes, and nuzzles the albino's shoulder lovingly. "Is there anyone else that we know now that also lived in the past?"

Kaworu skims through the book, passing the extensive amount of pages dedicated to the Angels, and found Misato's pages, as well as Ritsuko's right after. "That's the woman at the café! And that's…! Ritsuko…" The brunet's energy dies down a bit. "So that's why she and Father know each other. If they remember, then they go way back."

"I think the most interesting for you, however," Kaworu says, flipping back near Gendo's section, and turning the binder to Shinji. "Is this."

Shinji's eyes widen at the picture of the young woman, laminated against the paper next to the title, "IKARI YUI". He feels tears pile in the corner of his eyes. "Mom…"

* * *

Shinji doesn't remember exactly when they fell back against the pillows without the binder, nor does he remember falling asleep with Kaworu's arms wrapped around him in a protective embrace. He just relishes in the feeling of the man's weak heartbeat against his ear, and for a split second, wonders how much time they have left in this life.

Turns out, it's not a lot.

* * *

Kaworu texts him when he admits himself to the hospital, and Shinji rushes over after his orchestra class, barely giving the professor enough time to properly dismiss the class. He clambers on the first bus he can get on, and rides to the stop nearest the hospital, and runs the rest of the way there.

He's out of breath when he reaches the reception desk, but through his pants, the nurse understands that he's looking for Nagisa Kaworu and directs the brunet to the appropriate room. He barges in without so much as a warning apart from the slamming of his old sneakers on the linoleum, and Kaworu looks surprised to see him. "I texted you  _half an hour ago,_ did you steal a car to get here?"

"Ran to the bus stop, rode the bus to the nearest stop, and then ran here," Shinji says, while counting on his fingers. "I have the bus routes memorized."

Kaworu lets out an exhausted sigh. "Of course you do. I shouldn't expect anything less from Ikari Shinji."

"How are you feeling?" Shinji asks as he sets his messenger bag down in a nearby chair and sits in the one near Kaworu's bed. He looks up and down the albino's body, taking in all the cables and wires and tubes and it makes him a little uneasy. "I mean—I know it's probably not  _well,_ but…in general."

"I've had my better days," Kaworu admits, and reaches out to run his fingers down Shinji's cheek. "My chest has been hurting me these past few weeks and so I decided it was high time I checked myself into the hospital. Before things got dire."

"You're making it sound like you're already going to die."

Kaworu doesn't respond.

" _Kaworu."_

"Should something happen to me," Kaworu says, looking Shinji in the eye. "I'm going to tell the nurses to give you this binder." He pats the black object in his lap. "You're going to keep it safe, and leave it with anyone who has any memories of the past that  _isn't_ your father. Do you understand?"

"Kaworu, you're  _not_ going to die."

Kaworu looks up at Shinji, red eyes melancholy. "Shinji, my dearest angel, I'm already dying."

* * *

Shinji should have known that that statement was Kaworu's trump card.

Every day he chooses to visit Kaworu the albino is putting his laptop aside, clearly working diligently on writing that thesis so he can just  _finish_ it and have it done. Shinji often wonders if he's just getting in the way of Kaworu's work, but with what the man said his first day bedridden, Shinji doesn't want to lose any time with him.

So everyday after classes end, Shinji runs to the hospital, ready to tell Kaworu about his day.

That is, until one day, he's stopped by the receptionist, who has already gotten used to seeing his face and basically knows him by name. "Ikari," she calls, and he stopped mid-run out of the waiting room, turning half of his body to face her.

"Yes?" he asks, and his heart sinks deep down into his stomach. He has never been stopped when on the way to see Kaworu.

"Nagisa wanted me to give you this." She hands him the black binder, the very object that began this journey. "I'm…terribly sorry, Ikari. But Nagisa…Nagisa is no longer with us."

Shinji doesn't feel for a few seconds. He just stands there, in the middle of the bustling waiting room, in front of the nurse, and stares at the offending object that's been placed into his open palms. Kaworu didn't even try to fight any more; he must have finished the thesis and decided that it was finally time to move on.

Kaworu is dead.

Shinji falls to his knees, curls in on himself, and begins to sob.

He wishes they could meet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone attacked me in the first chapter over on ffnet saying kaworu shouldnt be able to feel emotions bc hes not human and im like  
> this is a reincarnation au??? its specifically stated hes born human this lifetime like can you read???  
> in other news im home in the states and have food poisoning

**Author's Note:**

> i really like this series please help me  
> i will post the second chapter, shinji's chapter, in about a week, depending on when i get back to the states  
> i was having a rough day today so i needed to post something to get my mind off of it


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